


Gone

by ABrighterDarkness



Series: Bucky Barnes Bingo [13]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Bucky Barnes Feels, De-Serumed Steve Rogers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hospitalization, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Character Injury, Retirement, Steve Rogers Feels
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:21:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28353861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ABrighterDarkness/pseuds/ABrighterDarkness
Summary: Bucky always had resented the serum.  Both versions if he was honest.  From the very first real conversation he and Steve had after he was rescued from Azzano to the present day, that resentment clung to him.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: Bucky Barnes Bingo [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1687492
Comments: 3
Kudos: 17
Collections: Bucky Barnes Bingo 2020





	Gone

**Author's Note:**

> Title: Gone  
> Collaborator(s): ABrighterDarkness  
> Square (letter, number, and prompt): B1 - Morphine  
> Link:   
> Pairing/Main Ship: Steve/Bucky  
> Rating (Gen, Teen, Mature, Explicit): T  
> Warnings/Triggers: Major Character Injury  
> Summary:  
> Bucky always had resented the serum. Both versions if he was honest. From the very first real conversation he and Steve had after he was rescued from Azzano to the present day, that resentment clung to him.
> 
> \----
> 
> STB Bingo  
> Square filled: I1 - Losing A Job

Bucky always had resented the serum. Both versions if he was honest. From the very first real conversation he and Steve had after he was rescued from Azzano to the present day, that resentment clung to him.

He remembered enough now that he missed the man he was before Azzano even though he knew without a doubt that man likely wouldn’t have survived the war without Zola’s knock off. He resented what it allowed him to become, what it allowed him to be turned into. On his bad days, he probably resented the serum, and his own continued survival because of it, more than he did Zola, the Russians, or Hydra. On those days, he wondered if death on some nameless battlefield wouldn’t have been kinder.

He had resented Erskiene’s serum too. He had  _ loathed _ that Steve Rogers, that scrappy little punk that Bucky had loved inside and out far too many years, had all but ceased to exist. Bucky Barnes had loved and would love Steve Rogers more than just about anything but he had resented the hell out of Captain America. Mostly because of the inescapable hold it managed to get on Steve, the shadows of pain and loss that playing that role had painted on Steve’s too kind, too trusting heart. 

That was one thing he had never told Steve though. He didn’t think he ever would now either. 

Bucky leaned forward in his chair, fingers laced together pressed against his lips and elbows propped on his knees. He had the urge to close his eyes, rid the current sight from his vision but he couldn’t. 

Steve was in that hospital bed. And wasn’t that a painfully familiar sight? Bucky had developed a strong dislike for seeing Steve laid up in hospital beds decades before this particular hospital was even built. His years as the Winter Soldier hadn’t stolen that from him, it seemed. 

The monitors attached to his unnervingly still form were mostly familiar too. The various bags and solutions running through the narrow tube and the needle in the back of a pale hand. Though, there were more and better quality medications dripping through now than Steve had ever had access to before. 

In the days since bringing Steve into the hospital, Bucky had sat with the doctors in charge of his care and gone over everything that he could remember of Steve’s illnesses. If there was any one thing that Bucky couldn’t help but be grateful to that goddamn serum for was that it managed to bring Steve to a time where his many ailments were curable or at very least treatable and manageable. Less likely to steal him away.

Bucky sighed shakily, unable to resist the urge to reach out and close his hand around Steve’s much thinner one, feeling the fine, almost bird-like bones under his fingers. One benefit, he supposed, was that Steve had managed to stay well fed over the years since he had been retrieved from the ice. He was still small, still thin, but whatever had taken the serum from him hadn’t stolen away the benefit of proper nutrition. Something the Old Steve had never known the benefit of. This Steve, serum or no, he’d be okay. 

He’d be  _ okay. _

Bucky carefully leaned further, pressing his lips to the soft skin of Steve’s hand. He would be okay, physically at least. They could work through everything else as it came. 

He stayed like that, hand clinging to Steve’s and eyes locked on the mostly-steady rise and fall of Steve’s chest, for a long time. Bucky knew if he gave himself the brief moment to actually think about it, he would be able to tell the exact stretch of time to the second. That wasn’t important, though, not really. Bucky would stay just like that as long as he needed. As long as  _ Steve _ needed.

“Buck?”

Bucky’s eyes snapped up to meet hazy blue ones. He exhaled a shaky breath of relief and brought Steve’s hand back to his lips. “Hey punk,” Bucky answered, low and shaky. “How’re you feelin’?”

“Like I got hit by a rocket or train...hit by somethin’,” Steve admitted, voice heavy and slurred. That was another familiarity, one that made Bucky ache and want to smile fondly all at the same time. He knew the sounds of Steve on a pain-drip. While he wished it was something that neither of them had to know, it had always been a little endearing as well.

Steve took a slow breath and frowned in confusion when it wasn’t as full as he had grown accustomed to and then his brows rose quickly in surprise when he managed to scrape together the obviously aching control to look down over himself. 

“Buck,” he said, a little faintly. “My body’s gone missin’ again.”

“Not quite, pal,” Bucky said with a quiet huff.

“S’okay,” Steve mumbled, the weight of the drugs working through his system clearly pulling him under again. “Not mine anyway.”

“It’s okay, Stevie,” Bucky spoke, keeping his voice low and as soothing as he could make it. Something he knew for a fact would do nothing more than piss Steve off if he’d been just a little more sober. “We’ll figure it out when you wake up again.”

“Kay.”

Bucky stayed put even as Steve slipped back into sleep. The doctors came in again while he was out, working seamlessly around Bucky’s presence. They dialed back on the drip dosage, wanting to allow Steve to come to more naturally and get a better gauge of where he was mentally as well as physically. 

The way they worded it sent a rush of relief through Bucky that he hadn’t known he was waiting for. That they intended for him to improve, to awaken and get better. That the morphine wasn’t just to make him comfortable, there at what was sure to be the end like it had been the few times he’d been given it in their youth.

No one but Bucky knew that something in him had cracked open at that. That he had crumped, folded over clinging to the thin hand held firmly in his own and cried. And then gathered himself, pressing another firm kiss to Steve’s fingers and retook his silent vigil. 

It was only a few hours later though that Steve woke again. Still sluggish but eyes a little clearer.

“Hey Buck,” he greeted, squeezing weakly at Bucky’s hand.

“Hey, Stevie,” Bucky returned, echoing the previous time Steve had been awake. “How’re you feeling?”

“Like I got hit by a train,” Steve said tiredly. And like before, he attempted to draw a deep breath but winced slightly at the muted pain. Frowning in confusion, Steve grimaced as he gathered some semblance of strength to look down over himself. “Huh,” he mused as he let his head fall back onto the flat pillow. “What’d I actually get hit by?”

“We’re still not entirely sure,” Bucky sighed. “That’s only half of what you’re feeling though. The rest is from the fall after. You got pretty banged up, sweetheart.”

“Yeah,” Steve said with a slight smile that Bucky was helpless to return. “Yeah, I kinda got that.” 

“How much do you remember?” Bucky asked softly.

Steve furrowed his brows in thought, letting his eyes close for a moment before reopening and blinking rapidly until he could focus on Bucky again. “We got called to stop some idiot from tryin’ to make a point in Times Square,” he said tiredly. “Don’t think I know what the point was s’posed to be. Had some sort of power like Strange’s didn’t he? Magic? Think that’s what Tony was sayin’.” He smiled again. “Tony sure doesn’t think much of Magic.”

“No, no he does not,” Bucky agreed with a small smile of his own. And then he sobered and pushed forward with his explanation. “We do think it was magic of some sort though, but Natalia’s working with Fury’s people to figure out who he actually is,” Bucky shrugged. “Thor doesn’t seem to think the guy’s actually from here but either doesn’t know or won’t say much more than that.”

“That’s strange,” Steve frowned, drawing a slow deep breath and releasing it, smiling oddly when he did. “What’s the damage?”

“You were the only one that was actually injured,” Bucky frowned. “Everyone else got out with nothin’ more than scrapes and bruises. You’re actually pretty damned lucky to be awake and talking though. Pretty nasty hit to the head and Doc’s said you got a couple broken ribs, managed to avoid puncturing a lung though, thankfully.” Bucky nodded in the direction of Steve’s legs. “Left one’s broke in a couple places. They did the operation to reset it and they said it needed pins and plates. You’ll be laid up a coulpa months, at least.”

“It’s gone then?” Steve asked, expression as unreadable as Bucky had ever seen it. “The serum?” As though he needed to clarify.

Bucky winced, dropping his eyes to focus on Steve’s hand still resting in his own. “They seem to think so,” Bucky said quietly. “Banner’s asked to use my blood work for comparison. I’m sorry, Stevie.”

Steve nodded slowly and stared up at the hospital ceiling. Bucky thought his own heart had stopped when the first tear streaked down from those blue eyes, followed quickly by others. Steve pulled his hand from Bucky’s grip to bring his hands up to cover his face.

Bucky swore under his breath and quickly moved forward, settling onto the bed beside Steve and pulling that thin body that he would never admit to missing as much as he had into a hug as tight as he dared. Which wasn’t much, really. Not with the battered state of his body. Steve went easily though, turning into Bucky’s shoulder as much as he could, hands lowering from his face to cling to Bucky’s shirt. 

“It’s gonna be okay,” Bucky said quietly, speaking against the top of Steve’s head, pressing soft kisses into his hair. “I’m gonna make sure of it, Stevie. We won’t struggle like we did before. Medical advances are unreal, Steve. You’ll be okay. A-and I’ll be there, promise.” Bucky hadn’t been a rambler in years, decades really, but Steve had always been the one that could bring that back out. He frowned and tightened his hold when Steve shook his head against his chest.

“It’s  _ gone,  _ Buck,” Steve said shakily, an odd note to his voice that Bucky still wasn’t able to place. “It’s fucking  _ gone.”  _ Steve paused and let out a slow breath and spoke as though just hit with an unbelievable realization “I can  _ stop. _ ”

Bucky’s mind stilled, blinking in confusion, unable to reconcile the words with the current situation, “What do you mean, Stevie?”

“I’m just me again,” Steve said, tilting his head back to meet Bucky’s gaze. Bucky had to admit he was surprised to see the awed smile on Steve’s face. “I can  _ stop. _ No more aliens or-or bots. I can give up the shield.  _ Buck,  _ I can  _ stop.” _

Bucky swallowed thickly against the rush of relief and understanding that flowed over him. He dropped his head to rest gently against Steve’s, “Yeah, sweetheart, whatever you want.”

“Whatever I want,” Steve repeated, words spoken like he couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing. “I don’t even know what that looks like anymore.”

“Let’s start with getting you back on your feet,” Bucky suggested. “After that…” he shrugged meaningfully. 

Steve smiled at the simple concept and tipped his head higher to kiss Bucky softly. Bucky couldn’t help but revel in the gentle contact. He pulled back much sooner than he would have liked but he knew it wasn’t the time or the place. There was enough time for that later. He brought his flesh hand up, tracing Steve’s familiar features with his finger tips. 

“You’re really okay with this?”

Steve laughed shakily but nodded, “Didn’t think I would be. But...when would it stop? Buck, accepting the serum already took everything from me once. It was gonna keep taking until  _ I _ was the last thing for it to take. I don’t want to spend my life fighting until someone manages the lucky hit that kills me.”

“They’re gonna try’n change your mind,” Bucky warned. 

“Wish ‘em luck with that,” Steve snorted with his usual air of stubbornness and Bucky couldn’t help but grin fondly. 

“What about the Shield?” He asked.

“I’ve been thinkin’ about that actually,” Steve said, sighing softly and snuggling more heavily into Bucky, head resting in the curve of his shoulder. “Even before this, I’d thought about it. Who I’d pass it to.”

“Who’d you decide on?” Bucky asked, though he was pretty sure that he already knew the answer.

“Sam,” Steve answered easily. “He’s the only one I can really imagine giving it to. He’s a good man. Genuinely good.”

Bucky bit back his automatic sarcastic retort. He was sure no one bought them any more than he did these days, least of all Steve. “Yeah, Wilson’s good for it. Got his head screwed on right.”

“I’m gonna tell him you said that,” Steve teased, voice turning heavy with sleep. “Gonna tell ‘im. He’ll be here?”

“Soon as he can,” Bucky assured quietly. “Called him myself. He’ll get here.”

Steve hummed in amusement but didn’t speak further. The last few days and the various medications that his body was adjusting to clearly taking its toll and he was back asleep just that quickly. Bucky settled more comfortably back against the hospital bed with Steve against him and let his hand stroke soothing swipes up and down his side. His eyes fell closed but the rest of his senses stayed alert, desperately needing to ensure Steve’s safety. 


End file.
